In The Silence Of

My Skin.

This exhibition was produced by 5 young people living with HIV as they explored decision-making about HIV disclosure. These youth met for fifteen sessions over a period of six months and produced a photovoice exhibition entitled In the Silence of my Skin.

Six of the 15 sessions were auto-taped and transcribed. The young people performed a thematic analysis of their discussions. The findings of the photovoice exhibition are herein discussed across the 6 thematic areas constructed by the photovoice participants:

1. Medication and Education

2. Family and Inspiration

3. In-dentity

4. Struggles

5. Society

6. Truth and Faith

The photographs and narratives created by the photovoice researchers are exhibited under these thematic headings

IN THE SILENCE OF MY SKIN WHEN I AM ALL I HAVE TO CONTAIN ME

As much I try to grapple with my status, a major part of me feels like I have lost my right to be truly and fully human. The right to touch; to trust; to love all seem like preterhuman tasks to me. When all of the world proves too much, at times I retreat to “the castle of skin.”

Self Portraits

Leila

I am 24, short and loving. I have been diagnosed for more than five years. My life has changed dramatically and at times can be trying and unfair. All I ask is to be treated the same as every living person in the world. All I wants is to teach the world to love, care, and feels for us living with HIV.

Edward

I am twenty-three years of age and I am happy with my life. I would like people to hear the truth about HIV. People should not look at us any different from normal people. People should not isolate people living with the virus. We are normal people just like everyone else. People should appreciate our experience and the struggle that comes with it. Respect and love.

Mary

I am 23 years old. I was born with HIV and have lived with it for 23 years now. I am living a normal life. I want you to hear what we have to say.

Matters

Sometimes I feel like the world is against me and this is my response.

John

I am 22 years old and I have been living with the virus for a year now. I remember hearing the nurse call me into a private room and breaking the news to me. I was in disbelief. I couldn’t understand how, with all the knowledge I had about the virus through the media, workshops on HIV/AIDS, I still allowed myself to get infected. It really only takes one time for you to become infected, so the one moment where you think a condom doesn’t make a difference is the one time you could get infected. I hope this exhibition dispels any shadows or myths about HIV and people living with the virus.

Medication and Education

***Real life****. No fantasy. And all fear and frustration...*
The first time I saw this place I was afraid to go inside. I was thinking if someone would see me or who I would see. Then there is the frustration of being there for so long. I go once a month and the wait is between one or two hours if you want to see the doctor. It is most frustrating. Scared. Torn. Between two worlds. Reality and beyond.
*Save myself from the death in the air.*

*That right there can drive a sane man crazy. Every day forever or die. Now maybe forever ... have to, no second guessing, never an option give up or fail.*

*Turn up the lights extra bright I want you’ll to see how we strive to stay alive. Words cannot express how painful it is at times, but we must keep moving, never stopping.*

*Trouble getting up in the morning, always dizzy and feeling too tired, but the Lord provides strength and the will power not to give up easily.*

*HEART: Residue of my soul.*
*I can’t understand how in this day and age, with all of the information, attention and ongoing movements against HIV/AIDS, new infections* — *like myself* — *still occur. There must be a clog in my heart when I host poisons in my veins, and my future’s path is amorphous.*

***Alphabet of My Life*** : The daily intake of vitamin A, B, C and E help to free me from ARVs. Although it seems tedious at times, I would rather take these four than go on ARVs. My CD-4 is high, so I don’t have to go on ARVs and I never want to.

Family & Inspiration

*“You did not deserve to be a carrier”.*
*You should not judge her. The fact remains that she is my mother and whatever the sacrifice that put her in the situation. I know she loves me still.*

*I wish I had a happy family with my mother and I wish I knew my father. I don’t have a happy family because my father give my mother the virus and my mother dead and now I am alone.*

*Most families watch the sunset when they go on the Lookout. I am there on the Lookout for hope.*

*People will always be uncertain about HIV positive people getting married. I am determined to get married and have children of my own. Who said that I’m not supposed to get married and be in love.*

When I go to my boyfriend’s home I feel happiness, a promise of a new life. He knows I am HIV positive and he loves me. When I look out of the window I don’t see my family that fall apart. I look out the window and I see a new family with my boyfriend in my life.

*You said that you will never leave me, I believed you, I believed.*
*Stop the pain please make it stop. Wondering at times will it ever end but always finding a way.*

Another day has gone for another to return for me to paint this world with my magic wand. Living can be a death sentence but fear of that day ending may bring heart ache so live like there is no tomorrow.

In-dentity, Struggles and Society

*PERIHLEION: Closest to the Sun.*
Being HIV positive, I strive to find beauty in all things around me. With all the turmoil and fear that grips me daily, I find replenishment in the subtle perfection of nature and the grandeur of the sun. I long to one day find my closest point to the sun.

*This is my everyday reading from the Bible.*
*Everyday with HIV is a time of Crisis.*

*No matter how far I travel I can’t run away from HIV.*

*GOURD: Every pulse throbs, every vein blooms like yours*
Again, I find myself confronting identity and normalcy. What separates the poz from the negative? I am made of the same equatorial flesh, bones and blood as every other human God breathed into reality, so why do I rebel against myself when my natural impulses call? The question of, “who am I?” answers, “who are you?”

HALO: If irises hold no prejudice, heaven could be found. Now that I live with HIV, most things that were natural to me now seem foreign, but when I confront the mirror, I see what everyone else sees. Having an inclination for the abstract somehow elevates me to “normalcy”.

*Long for curable solution,*
*Long to be equally seen in society, Long for the sun to shine away personal problems,*
*Long to aspire for a dream*

Truth & Faith

*Lucky not to be barked at. Only looking for blissful moments. Secrets are rarely to be secret. Only given silent. Do not ask for nothing. But will share the memories of the secret life of one’s own.*

*Because they can’t talk, doesn't mean they don’t understand. Sometimes I feel like animals understand more than humans.*

*There’s a long rough road ahead. Don’t look back. Life goes on.*

*Sometimes when life gets hard, stick your chest out, keep your head up and say there’s no limit. THE SKY IS THE LIMIT.*

Acknowledgements

The In the Silence of My Skin exhibition would not have been possible without the contributions of community activist Maureen Searles and photographer Dioynesia Browne.